#and they were like fuck fine we're working on it
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What is fine and/or expected in fandom:
Print out the fanfic you like. Save it to your computer. Show your friends. Do whatever your like for your private, personal use. But please comment your appreciation for it. Fandom is a community, and support is extremely helpful (and considering the efforts we put into works, it should perhaps be considered proper courteousness).
Share the fic. Give people links TO THE ORIGINAL. DO NOT repost it. NEVER. Not unless you were given specific permission to do so, or if all copies of that fic have been removed and the artist is LITERALLY DEAD. If you wanna discuss it with friends, maybe do so where the author can see, or encourage your friends to comment too?? So we know we're not talking to a brick wall?
You may make a physical book of the story. Put it in a binder. Make art of it. But NEVER profit off of it. No selling those books. No making money off mass-produced fanart of fanfics (unless the author themself commissioned the work/collaborated with you). We aren't some corporation that has already made money from the franchise, we are individuals that are LEGALLY OBLIGATED to keep our works free under fair rights use. So it is NOT fair and VERY NOT COOL if you make money off our works when we can't.
NEVER take credit for writing a story that you didn't. NEVER make the claim that you wrote or drew something that someone else worked hard on. You will only discourage the actual writers and artists from making things (who may see your bullshit and decide that if you're gonna be like that, maybe NO ONE deserves to see their work because Fuck This, I'm DONE with having my work stolen).
NEVER demand an author do something a certain way. We are not AI, we are not corporate content producers. We are giving you a gift. Do not be an ass and demand a different one. If you feel so strongly about it? Go do it yourself.
ALWAYS feel free to archive things. You never know what will be lost, or when. People die, databases corrupt, sites go down, fascist purges win, and so on. If you like it, keep it safe. No permission needed.
I've never been explicit about this because I'm a Fandom Old, and back in the day it was simply understood that anything on the Internet was fair game to do with what you wish, but: if you see a story of mine out there and you like it, download it. Fuck if I care. Keep it for yourself, distribute it to friends, print copies for yourself and your friends, mail it to people, I don't give a shit. As long as you're not exchanging money, I couldn't care less. And tbh you should be doing this with all fanfics you love - print them, save them, put them on a flash drive or a hard drive or share them with friends, whatever. Fanfic authors these days are really fucking precious about their fics, but honestly we're probably going to start seeing queer art being disappeared (especially in the US under the next president) so do whatever you can to archive the things you love to read. Even if that means just printing them out and sticking them in a binder for yourself to read as a bedtime story.
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What Arcane characters would gift you for Christmas!
Jinx, Vi, Ekko, Viktor, Jayce
(Semi crack Drabble… sorry for going super long with Viktor’s and Jayce’s HCs. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH)
(Jayce is Hispanic in my hc :3)
ENJOY AND HAVE FUN LOVE YALL<3
Not proofread
JINX
Hear me out… the first thing she would plan to gift you are decorated safety googles.
As a matter of fact everything she gifts you is handmade!
She knows you love to spend time with her when she’s in her workshop and the extra spare of googles she had were pretty crappy…
“Ugh, these old things? Pfft, they look like they’ve been through a freakin’ explosion… oh wait, they probably have! We gotta get you a new pair soon toots!”
They’d be totally decked out! Lots of character as she calls it.
“Okay toots check it out! Maximum protection but most importantly! They got style!”
The googles themselves would be in her classic style, very colorful paint, cute little heart scribbles all around! And of course lots of glitter….
“"I mean, you've got to stay safe while causing mayhem, right? And hey, if we're blowing stuff up together, you'll definitely need these. Plus, I made them perfectly for you. No one else will have goggles like these... trust me!"
I totally see her adding little handmade jewelry from her gears and spare parts, would totally make you a belt or choker out of spare bullets.
Vi
She would totally panic on what to get you for Christmas. Like what if you suddenly hate the thing you’ve loved since the very beginning she’s known you???
Would end up both buying and making you something!
She’s make you something small but meaningful
“Okay Okay fine! You can open mine now. Just don’t laugh too hard Cupcake…”
You’d open the poorly wrapped gift to uncover a bright pink scarf she knitted you! The stitching is a mess.. there a hole’s through the project (no doubt a missed stitch) but in all honesty it so cute you feel like your heart might explode.
"Yeah, I know I'm not, uh, the best at this kind of thing," she mutters, scratching the back of her neck, "but I figured you could use something to keep warm... and, you know, 'cause it's winter. And... you're important to me."
Guys please tell her she did an amazing job PLEASE.
She would also totally buy you a pair of combat boots! Totally saved up for months in advance.
She loves the idea of being able to match and have a bit of her style on you!
Ekko
Just like Jinx (sobs) he’d also make something for you!
The first thing he’d give you would be a little sketch book full of drawings of you from random moments throughout your relationship he remembers oh so clearly.
"I've been working on it for a while... It's... it's just a bunch of drawings. I mean, not just anything. Stuff that made me think of you. Stuff we've done, or things I hope we do. I don't know, it just felt like the best way to show how I feel about... well, us."
Okay he would also totally make you matching jewelry (matching clock hand necklaces?)
You’d force him to take the hour hand since it’s shorter (heheheh little man)
Once you explain your reasoning as to why he should take the smaller one he sighs disappointedly…
"Okay, okay, I get it," he finally says, a little less playful now, his voice softening. "I guess if you want me to wear it, I can..."
Then, a grin creeps back onto his face as he adds, "But don't think I'm letting you off the hook with the minute hand. You're wearing that one for sure." He places the hour hand necklace around his neck, the smaller pendant resting there, and looks up at you with that mischievous gleam in his eye.
He pauses, holding up his necklace, "I'm still the one with the bigger job. You'll just have to keep up." A proud smug smirk now rests on his face.
Viktor
FUCK WHERE DO I BEGIN I LOVE THIS MAN
o k a y. He would just like Vi panic… not because he doesn’t know what to get you but because he totally is going Christmas shopping late… very very late.
As much as I would love to say he’d make some little invention to make your day easier and give it to you for Christmas I don’t see it happening.
Not because he wouldn’t do it but because he already does it all the time! A little example, you’re late for work often? A little robot that hits you with a plastic squishy hammer every morning at 7 am waking you up when he can’t!
He’d definitely want to make Christmas special, I see him buying you something and then doing something special for you too!
Christmas morning would be greeted with warm hugs and kisses along with an even warmer bowl of potato soup!
He wanted to make sure he perfected his mother’s Bramboračka recipe. It was a once a year meal him and his mother shared every Christmas day.
He’s not a good cook by any means… but this is the one dish he can make and oh boy can he make it.
"Don't expect perfection," he says with a small, self-conscious smile, as you catch him sneaking a taste of the soup. Viktor looks up, his gaze softening. "I hope you like it," he says, and despite his usual perfectionism, there's a quiet pride in his voice. You take a sip, and the rich flavors of mushrooms, potatoes, and herbs immediately comfort you, just like his mother's love must've comforted him all those years ago.
OKAY for the making gift he planned I see him commissioning something due to the fact a lot of his inventions lack aesthetics.
Specifically I see him commissioning a music box that functions as a a jewelry box as well! He would have loved to make it himself but he was worried he wouldn’t have gotten the look right.
"Do you like it?" he asks, his voice softer than usual, as if he's worried about the reception. "I had it made... I thought... it might remind you of us."
The detail was breathtaking-floral patterns etched into the surface, with tiny gears and delicate metalwork accenting the edges. The craftsmanship was stunning, and you couldn't help but run your fingers over the smooth finish.
you lifted the lid, and a gentle, lilting melody began to play. It was slow and sweet, a tune that felt timeless, and as you stared at the tiny figurines inside, your breath caught.
His fingers fidgeted with the edge of his cane, his gaze flicking between you and the music box. "I commissioned it," he admitted, his voice quieter now. "I had the craftsman use a sketch I made. It's how I see us... in my mind. How I feel when I hold you." He paused, his expression softening. "I thought... I thought you deserved something that would remind you of that. Of... how much you mean to me."
Jayce
Oh hon… Jayce would spoil you rotten.
I’m talking presents are overflowing underneath the tree.
You thought you lost your favorite piece of clothing? WRONG! He commissioned for more to be made in different colors and textures for you.
All the fragrances in the world he knew you would enjoy.
Cozy adorable pajamas we would give you Christmas morning so you could cuddle up drinking hot chocolate.
Spends Christmas Eve spoiling you and cuddling and being so tooth rottenly sweet.
It’s Christmas Eve, the scene was almost overwhelming. The living room looked like a perfectly curated holiday catalog-twinkling lights, a roaring fireplace, and, of course, an absurd number of gifts. Jayce sat cross-legged beside the tree, an excited grin lighting up his face as he handed you the first box. He had merely grinned, sheepish yet unrepentant. "What can I say? I got carried away?.”
"Open this one first," he urged, nearly vibrating with excitement. Inside was a bottle of an exquisite fragrance, the glass etched with delicate, swirling designs. It smelled divine-rich, warm, and entirely you.
"I figured you'd like that," he said eyes carefully watching everyone expression you make. You swear if he had a tail it would be swishing uncontrollably right now.
Christmas Day would be you spending Christmas day at his mother’s house!
(Listen I’m hc them as hispanic because for one HIS MOMS NAME HIS XIMENA… and two because why not :3 )
You have a great relationship with his Mother, she absolutely adores you and sees you as her daughter.
There’s lots of yummy food she’s prepared… perhaps too much for just 3 people?
Nonetheless, a pot of pozole, tamales de puerco and de dulce! And of course she made jayce’s favorite choco flan!
God she urges to to eat until you nearly pop! You have to undo your belt by the end of the night…
"Come, sit!" his mom insisted, pulling out a chair for you. "Jayce told me you've never had my tamales. That's a crime! Here, start with this." She placed one on your plate, her eyes twinkling.
Jayce sat beside you, his grin widening as you took your first bite. "Good, right?" he asked, nudging you playfully.
You could only nod, savoring the perfectly seasoned masa and tender filling.
Later in the evening, when everyone was too full to move, Jayce leaned over and slipped his hand into yours. His eyes were soft, his voice low as he said, "I'm glad you're here. This—" he gestured to the lively scene around you, "—feels perfect with you."
#viktor x reader#arcane fic#arcane x you#jayce talis x reader#viktor arcane#arcane imagines#ekko x reader#arcane x reader#jinx arcane#jinx#viktor x you#vi x reader#vi x you#ekko arcane#ekko#ekko x you#jayce talis#jayce x reader#arcane#arcane jayce#jayce#vi arcane#arcane x gender neutral reader#arcan
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Saw your tags on that binder post and I thought I’d share that my first introduction to chest binding was actually through the lolita community! A lot of big name japanese brands are not exactly size inclusive and did NOT cater to anyone with more than an A cup, so I did see quite a lot of safe binding advice and methods on blogs and forums back in the day before more inclusive brands became available, ranging from sports bra to actual proper binders. I’m probably not the only example of the “binding to fit into an angelic pretty dress” to “binding to fit into an angelic pretty dress and gender reasons)” pipeline, but plenty of other lolitas I know are still cis women who just do it on occasion or for specific pieces that aren’t very forgiving on the tits! I doubt that a single niche fashion subculture is the reason for those binders being marketed towards cis women so heavily, but I thought this was a funny anecdote :)
Fascinating!
patricia taxxon shit really fucking hurts. i dont want to be effected by a random internet microcelebrity not liking transdudes, that happens often enough. but god her music and essays got me through really rough shit and it really hurts to see someone i looked up to for well written essays and work fall back on the bullshit arguments used to deny my lived experiences. it really really fucking hurts, especially with how it feels barely anyone will talk about or call it out. i thought trfs were something id have to look hard for, and seeing their rhetoric creep into the fucking music i listen to and tumblrs i follow really truly scares me
I'm sorry, anon. I love you a lot. <3
“You shouldn’t break up the trans community into groups!” The TRFs literally came up with a way to break up the community via TMA/TME. They are actively distancing themselves from the community by baking fearmongering into their ideology. God forbid we create a term about sticking together against a group within the community that’s inherently dividing?
lmao literally
Just had my first time getting sexually harassed by a woman as a percieved cis man and commiserating afterwards with a cis man about how we're all just supposed to be cool with being treated like that. It's a weird experience and somehow going through the same things mostly from women as a girl then nonbinary then a trans guy it feels the same but the flavors change. I know the discourse is literally nothing but it makes me feel like my feelings shouldn't matter because of the male privilege. And I even did my civic duty and took the brunt of it away from the other trans man who was getting it worse because of his percieved feminine traits which people also like to pretend doesn't happen. All of it is just stupid.
It's fine, she was a woman and you're a man so that was praxis sexual harassment.
honestly i think a better predictor of how much autonomy a child is able to have over their presentation is probably whether the child is disabled moreso than agab, like i not only wasn't allowed to have my hair too short, i also wasn't allowed to have it too long for a chunk of my childhood because it took me awhile to understand how to brush my hair (because i was afraid to because i am hypersensitive to touch and my mother would always brush my hair in a way that hurt so much i would cry), and my mother would bitch and moan about how difficult i was about it (because she was hurting me and did not listen when i told her this) and so i wasn't allowed to have longer hair until i could brush it myself. ultimately the biggest factor is always the attitude of the parents though
God, so much of my shit with my mother was over my hair, it still really gets to me.
TRF is like the whole voting for face eating panthers. But it’s like TERFs are the panthers and TRFs are a cheetah, like “I’m a kind of cat too so they won’t eat my face as long as I eat faces too right?” WRONG they see you as prey, they won’t spare you because they see a fellow cat, they’ll eat your face cuz you’re not a panther!
cis women will like me if I explain to them how I'm -taxonomically- a woman
it’s insane to me that ‘it’s bad to hate someone for an uncontrollable part of their identity no matter who they are’ is a controversial take now
we've regressed
when people say ‘um ackshually i can say i want all men to die and if you tell me “men see these things and go far right because they think it’s true” then you are blaming women for men’s bad behaviour’ i just immediately assume that this person is stupid as fuck like. if a teenage boy goes online to see what feminism is about and is bombarded with ‘kill all men’ ‘all men are rapists’ etc then OBVIOUSLY he’s not gonna want to be feminist. it is really not that fucking hard to understand. people don’t wanna be in spaces that are cruel to them for an aspect of their identity that they cannot control it’s not ‘blaming women for misogynistic men’ to say that. it’s just fucking true. people are so stupid it actually pains me
unfortunately radfem juice is addictive
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I mean this in the nicest way possible, as an exol/eris but dang we are a spoiled fandom.
EXO: okay so here's an album!
Exol: great, here's some things we want you to do. Like Killing Voice and dance challenges.
EXO: ... seriously? That's what you want?
Exol: Yes. That is what we want. Please.
EXO: Y'all are fucking weird but here you go. KV and a dance challenge.
#they also said they're working on more requests#the dance challenge thing is ABSOLUTELY coming across like some dads who don't understand their kids#but are wanting to help out#i know kai did it with the entire industry#and I'm sure he has been blowing up the gc with tips#and do did one a few months ago#but they folded so fast#the album was released and they said repeatedly they didn't want a dance challenge with cream soda#exol went please?#and they were like fuck fine we're working on it#just released the first one today#and no i refuse to sit there and type the dash in the fandom name exo-l#it's a pain in the ass
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#but is this a safe space to be honest tho#definitely letting that go on and on unaddressed was in character for Dean and he was handling it#good for him#but i was a bit baffled that everyone else was like#oh you got this then? good deal#i mean i know they were worried but it just seemed ooc that sam and cas weren't like obsessively trying to deal with it#they both know how strong arch angels can be#and sam especially would have baggage about having an angel hanging out and banging on your brain cells indefinitely...#idk just seemed weird#but dean#good job sweetie#we're all so proud (via @minxyone93)
No but you're right. Like. Not to turn a simple post about Dean being a badass into a bitter post but you're RIGHT. Dean was worried enough about his control slipping and Michael escaping to make his mal'ak box plan. One would think that that would have impressed the seriousness of Dean's condition on the group. But two episodes later in Ouroboros, Sam is already being avoidant again and ignoring that Dean is not okay. When Rowena pushes him on how Dean is possibly managing, he insists that Dean is fine, "Because he's Dean. And Dean is Dean. He's fine." Sam insists that working is what's best for all of them, when it objectively isn't. It is a stupid and unnecessary risk to place Dean in the line of fire, and it backfires absolutely spectacularly.
Cas notes while they are working the case that Dean just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee is a herculean feat. And Dean opens up to him about not being okay, and also about feeling he is not really allowed to say that because dealing is expected of him no matter what.
Castiel: Are you really fine? Dean: I don't know, Cas. But that's what I'm supposed to say, right? "I'm fine," keep on moving? That's what we all say. Castiel: No, Dean. Dean: Okay. There's this pounding in my head. It never stops. Michael's in there, and he is fighting hard to get out. And I can't let my guard down not for a second. I'm barely even sleeping. Castiel: Well, that's not sustainable. Dean: No. No. It's probably not. But no point in complaining about it. It's on me. Castiel: No. It's on us. We are here to help you.
Dean tells Cas he is barely sleeping and that he cannot let his guard down for even a second, and Cas says that is unsustainable and that they're there to help him... but... are they? Because Dean being on this case at all is absolutely idiotic given the information Dean has previously and just now revealed about the tenuous hold he has on Michael. And still... no one suggests that Dean does not have to force himself to do this case with them— that it's a bad idea to bring Dean on a case involving an incredibly powerful, slippery monster they've never faced before while Dean is barely able to sleep and unable to let his guard down for even a moment. And lo and behold—Dean's head gets repeatedly smashed into a fucking wall and Michael gets out.
You ever just remember Dean kept an archangel trapped in his mind for months on nothing but sheer willpower?
#And I'm not saying Dean isn't a big boy and that he couldn't have assessed the situation too and insisted on being excluded.#But if we're talking everybody pulling their head out of their asses there seems to be a large case of ass eating disease going on here.#As well as yet another case of Dean's emotional state being deliberately ignored by Sam because Sam is scared.#14.12#14.14#i just stopped#<—for Sam's avoidant tendencies#I do firmly believe this very silly plot is intended to illustrate how Sam's avoidant tendencies#(especially when it comes to Dean's emotions) hamper his ability to effectively lead.#And all his red shirts get sacrificed on the altar of that avoidance.#This is also why I say RE: the ending that it's hard not to feel Sam is being punished.#But season 15 is stupid so.
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...
#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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the reason I didn't do long distance w danish guy and became "close friends" instead is because it was so perfect and beautiful I didnt want to ruin the romantic aspect by exhausting it online with no hope of reuniting permanently but then that backfired lol like it's so crystallised in its original state it makes it hard to vilify anyone involved or have any ugly thoughts about it :| I need these stuff to move onnnn tho
#like we were perfect lovers and then we were great friends with an underlying romantic love obviously and then it was gone smh#but the thing is we literally cant talk because it would literally be cheating for him in a way#like idk I think we're both sort of weak for each other and it was so obvious even in the last tragic convos lol#so I should let him have this wtf like if one thing is working for him it's so fucking evil to want to selfishly ruin that or whatever#not that I tried talking again . but this is me rationalising that I shouldn't contact him but that's Fine .#ik it seems like im romanticizing the hell out of it but it's true 😔#and not to say that it's more legitimate than his current relationship noo ofc not but idk I should step out
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Is Cat a Kind of Inntinnsic?
The answer, the one I'm sure the author would give, would be no. The story in no way treats Cat's Gift as an Inntinnsic ability. Violet and particularly Xaden don't act as if what she does is at all similar to what an Inntinnsic does.
But I'd argue it has to be in order for it to work.
Because everything is first person from Violet's PoV or a rare chapter from Xaden, I sort of doubt the author really sat down and thought of how certain characters powers would work. If she did, i think she'd have realized Cat's Gift would function similarly to Xaden's second signet.
Cat can manipulate emotions. We're told she can't force someone to feel something they don't, but instead amplify what they do feel. On the surface that doesn't seem anything like an Inntinnsic ability. Where things become more complicated is how she uses that power.
If Cat can't implant an emotion, then she has to know what emotions the person is feeling. Sure, she could just be throwing her ability at people and seeing what sticks, or it could work in broad strokes; emotions overlap, so maybe any negative emotion can be made increasingly worse, while a good one amplified into pure elation.
I'd argue though that her power doesn't seem that broad, instead being pretty focused. Violet was easy to read so it wouldn't even have been hard to read that she hated Cat, and Cat threw out insults during their fight to make sure Violet is more susceptible to her Gift.
But the Venin she goes after at the end of the book wasn't as easy a read. She doesn't know this Venin. She's bragging and boastful, but whose to say that's greed and not pride? Or even done as a way to taunt Violet and make her more afraid?
Yet Cat manipulates the Venin without much difficulty, seeming to know exactly what emotions she's feeling without any trouble.
There's also the issue where people are generally feeling more then one emotion at a time. Violet is always in love with Xaden, but she can also be annoyed with him. Emotions aren't something that are felt one at a time--so how does Cat pick which one to manipulate without knowing instinctively what they're feeling?
I think it's very likely that Cat can either sense what people are feeling, or even see it (I'm thinking sort of like auras) and from there use her power to exaggerate which ever one she wants. It just makes the most sense.
But if that is the case, similar to how Xaden can read people's impulses and intentions, Cat could read their emotions. Now, that's not exactly mind reading, but Xaden's power isn't strictly reading minds either, yet he count's as an inntinnsic. To me what seems to make someone Inntinnsic is that they have no outward tell or rule for using their powers--they can just do it.
Dain isn't an inntinnsic because he requires touch to activate his memory seeing. As long as he does not touch you, you are safe from his ability.
Meanwhile, what makes inntinnsics such a security risk, is that they can activate their signet at anytime without anyone's knowledge. Xaden seems to be using his second signet constantly to read everyone, and no one has ever picked up on it at all.
In a way Cat's Gift seems to be similar in that she can use it without a hard and fast rule. She can just do it. If it works by letting her sense people's emotions, she could be constantly reading people Xaden does, but instead for intent, it's for their emotional state.
Does that not make her power Inntinnsic? Or at least Inntinnsic adjacent?
#fourth wing#iron flame#the empyrean#xaden riorson#catriona cordella#Cat Cordella#idk i find her power interesting#and thinking about how it works and looks to her as she uses it#made me realize it would probably function similarly to Xaden's inntinnsic ability#which means that both of them would have known that neither of them liked each other#the entire time they were together#at least if Cat was a flier back then#the time line seems a little wonky on that front#it says most gryphon Gifts involve mind work#which kind of makes me wonder if maybe poromeil wouldn't kill inntinnsics#since that seems to be something that their people would get way more often#and unlike the Dragon Riders they're not fabricating an entire history#I sort of doubt Yarros would write that#but damn it's kind of a wasted opportunity#the drama when the two sides join together and the Fliers have to expain that#'yeah we have people who fit into the Inntinnsic category and we're fine with them'#but if she did that Xaden's second signet wouldn't be that special#and it wouldn't have been such a big deal when he told Violet about it#since she probably would have already been dealing with people like that already#but that does beg the question what the fuck else mind work is?
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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc
#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this#i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space#together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she#s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked#each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks#and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically#falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her#and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways#literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are#and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk#but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward#it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible#i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn#sorry for this.#film girl saga
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maybe it's time for me to move on.............
#its been two months since the end of an eight month relationship and i havent so much as looked at a hot person in that time#i mean i've got a queer event in a couple weeks and i think thats The Place to meet someone because. realistically my gender is just-#-too complicated to date a straight girl#or a gay guy#so.#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all#really i just need like. a younger reincarnation of rafael silva to appear because he is the only person who will ever live up to my-#-obviously very high standards (i would date anyone who is morally decent and dresses nice if i thought they were interested)#while we're on this matter actually people who put no effort into how they dress is such a fucking ick#i went out to this thing a few weeks ago and there was a guy my age there and he asked me to dance (it was an Old Persons party hes a-#-family friends its a long story) but he was literally in a hoodie and i was wearing like a 400$ formal outfit#like man absolutely the fuck not this is a Nice Event why are you wearing *denim* what are you DOING#is it a bad idea to go to an event with the mindset of finding someone to be with by the way? because that is kind of how i'm thinking-#-about it but at the same time if i *dont* find anyone there that i connect with then that's fine. i mean all in good time cause at some-#-point i'm going to meet someone. i have enough faith in both my religion and my own person that i will meet someone who i like and who-#-likes me it just depends when that happens. idk i just feel like all my friends in relationships atm are dating to break up but i want to-#-find the person i'm going to marry someday. because i dont want to miss a single second with someone who will be the love of my life#ughhhhh idk#wait i just realised how long these tags are. shit i'm so single lmao#txt !!
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Shout out to my cat for finally pooping!
It's amazing what happens when we eat our old lady prescription food and drink water, isn't it?
#i thought we were going back to the vet#like we were doing good we were eating the fiber food no stomach issues everything great#and i think towards the bottom of the bag it just maybe got a bit stale#but she'll eat it mixed with wet and we're going to work on finding some new ways of giving water#which is weird she was doing great with her water dish and now we're being fucking weird about it#it's fine i'll figure it out#for real though that 36 hour mark hits you start to get a little anxious about the bowel movement
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The fucking disconnect is so real.
#theo's thoughts#Story time for the people who love reading tags bc I love sharing things in the tags#So I work at a therapeutic day school and this past school year like four school days before Thanksgiving break I was asked a question#The question was if I would be willing to step up and be a long term sub in a middle school classroom#To me this was less of a question and more of a hey we need someone to do this and you're who the assistant teacher asked for#Which cool yeah fine I'll give it a go I really like that person (the assistant teacher who asked for me) and I trust her judgement on this#I was asked and accepted on Thursday. Friday‚ Monday‚ and Tuesday happen. Then three day Thanksgiving break#When we got back from break I was the teacher and it was rough at first and it sure as hell was never easy but I enjoyed it#My formal teacher observation was my boss basically going like so I see you doing all the things and the basis is there#But it's not being followed through on because of behaviors from the most unmedicated classroom I've seen in all my years working education#And now for the summer they're changing 2/3 staff that were in the room and who even knows who the teacher will be (a new hire? Maybe?)#If there truly is a new hire coming in (fed to the wolves immediately btw what a dick move) but that new hire will be the fourth teacher#These kids have had in a year? A year and a half max. The fourth. After the only thing I've been repeatedly told by admin for months#Is that we need to be stable and consistent because we may be these kids' only reliable source of that consistency and stability?#So you're going to have me come in and tell me I've done such a great job and then tell me you're moving me to 'give me a break'#Trauma informed care my fucking ass. I hope those kids raise fucking hell over it.#The brutal satisfaction of watching your own crops burn and knowing that the invaders will starve is great and all but these are kids!#They're barely just about to be teenagers (11 at the youngest and 14 at the oldest) and this is what you're going to do to them?#Yes they can be complete assholes and are often dicks to one another but they're in our school for a fucking reason? I don't get it.#Then two hours later after being told abt the change‚ the clinical director puts me as one of the three main recipients in an email#Saying that there's going to be a new student starting in that room in the summer and the real icing on the cake?#This all happens on last day before summer break. we're out of session for two weeks now and you're just dropping these changes on us now?#God I'm so fucking tired
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hmm
#we're coming up on three straight weeks of spontaneous nerve pain my friends#doctors dont know whats wrong & all i can say is thank fuck i've got a real person job with benefits & live in a country w/ free healthcare#i dont even know how to explain it. i've been on meds helping the pain finally.#and only noticed they were working once they wore off and it legitimately felt like i was dying again. i hope you never know this pain#my bodys exhausted i'm exhausted even though the pain is being managed. my body is still firing all the nerves i just cant feel it anymore#i sit in bed all day and cant focus cant think cant type accurately. holding my phone hurts. but im so exhausted. i shouldnt be but i am#it occurred to me the other day that. this might not just stop. its been almost 3 weeks theres no reason to think itll just stop#and thats fucking scary. im 2* and i know age isnt correlated with health but. i shouldnt be. i dont know. im young & healthy & so confused#i just want to know whats wrong. i just want the pain to stop. the sensations to stop.#im stuck at home because thats where i should be with ease of emergency rooms but. my family is driving me crazy#half of my dad thinks im faking it (which my brain keeps latching onto bc it tries to tell me i'm fine when i#am so clearly not fine.)#char speaks
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It's astounding how one thing can ruin your entire day and destroy your entire emotional state.
#every single fucking time i try to apply for something i get ghosted or rejected#like i fucking get it i have no value or place in society you can stop throwing it in my face already#and every single time my whole family is just all ''you just have to keep looking you'll find something it'll be fine''#fuck right off with that shit#it's gotten to the point that I'm sobbing in my bedroom because I got rejected by the fucking aldis down the street from my house#and for a fucking part time position at that. I get it. i didn't work until college then only worked on campus. and went to school for music#but i have too much anxiety to be a teacher and am just not that kind of person. i have no skills or experience so fuck even trying for#anything even remotely halfway decent#I haven't worked in over a year since I graduated and the longer it gets the harder it is to get back into working yknow?#your value just decreases every fucking second so no one will give me the time of fucking day#i kinda had a job for like a fucking week last month that I didn't even want I was pushed into it and I hated it and cried so much#every day I actually almkst made myself sick from the crying and intense anxiety and then a week in they were like hey we like you and all#you're a good person and a very nice girl you're just no right for here so we're firing you essentially. so now I'm even more fucked#I've never felt more lost and more like the universe had no place for me anymore#and being in singing in the rain at my community theater was the only good thing I had in my life where I felt I had a place again#but the show's over now so I'm back to having nothing and nowhere and just don’t know what to do anymore#no wonder I can't fucking write anymore I'm just too sad all the time#abby's self deprication hour#abby's serious corner#I did make some progress in the mario crossover the other day when I felt pretty good actually though so that's something right?#I'm trying I really am
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